This story might sound familiar. I had just started a new job and wanted to make a good impression. The deputy CEO, a high‑energy, marathon‑level runner, invited me for a lunchtime run. I said yes before thinking it through.
At that stage, I was deep in early fatherhood. Sleep‑deprived, juggling work and family, and not exactly in my fitness prime. The thought of keeping up with him was daunting, but I couldn’t bring myself to say no. The part of me that wanted to be liked, accepted, and seen as capable took over in that moment.
Five minutes into the run, my lungs were on fire while he chatted easily beside me. When we returned to the office, my confidence had collapsed somewhere along the footpath behind us.
That experience taught me something about myself. It wasn’t only about my cardio fitness; it was about my inability to say no.
Like many people, I had fallen into the habit of people‑pleasing. On the surface it looked like being agreeable or cooperative, but underneath it was fear. Fear of disappointing someone, of being rejected, or of not being seen as good enough.
That day I wasn’t really saying yes to the run. I was saying yes to the illusion of safety.
Understanding the Inner People Pleaser
In my work as a psychotherapist and supervisor, I have found the model called Internal Family Systems (IFS) to be one of the most powerful and transformative approaches for understanding our inner world.
IFS, developed by Dr Richard Schwartz, recognises that each of us carries a kind of inner family. Different parts within us hold distinct emotions, memories, and strategies for staying safe. Some protect us through perfectionism, others through withdrawal, and others through people‑pleasing.
These parts are not bad. They developed to help us survive. They learned early on that approval and compliance might protect us from rejection or conflict. But as adults, these same parts can keep us stuck in exhaustion, resentment, or fear.
A Catholic understanding of the human person adds something profound to this model. It reminds us that every part of us, even the anxious or controlling ones, is created good. These parts are often burdened and in need of compassion, truth, and healing. They are not enemies to overcome but aspects of our story waiting to be redeemed.
Working Gently with This Part
The goal is not to silence the people‑pleaser but to meet it with curiosity and grace. Healing begins when we learn to listen rather than condemn.
- Notice when it appears. Pay attention to the moments when you feel compelled to say yes before you have even thought about it. Ask yourself quietly, Do I really want to do this, or am I afraid of disappointing someone?
- Get curious. Ask this part what it is trying to protect you from. It might be afraid of conflict, loneliness, or disapproval. Be kind to this fear. It is often carrying old pain.
- Notice what happens in your body. People‑pleasing can show up as a tight chest or tension in the shoulders. When you notice this, pause and invite God into the moment. A simple prayer can help: Lord, I feel this tension. Help me understand and heal it.
- Offer reassurance through truth. Gently remind this part that you are safe now and that your worth does not depend on pleasing everyone. You might pray with words from Romans 8:38, that nothing can separate you from the love of God.
- Practice small acts of honesty. Start by setting small boundaries that combine honesty with kindness. You might say, That sounds great, but running isn’t my thing. Could we grab lunch instead? Each time you do this, you grow in courage and integrity.
- End with gratitude, not criticism. This part of you has worked hard to keep you safe. Thank it for what it has done, and invite it to rest. Gratitude turns self‑judgment into compassion.
Healing with Faith and Relationship
In Catholic‑integrated IFS, real healing happens when we invite God into the conversation. We allow the love of God revealed in Christ to reach the places inside that have been protecting and striving for too long.
As Catholic psychologist Gerry Crete writes in Litanies of the Heart, healing occurs when our inner parts are welcomed into God’s loving presence. You might pray something like this:
Lord Jesus, you see this part of me that fears saying no. Help it feel your love and acceptance so that it can rest in you, not in the approval of others.
Over time, the people‑pleaser learns that safety does not come from control but from love.
The Freedom of Healthy Boundaries
Overcoming people‑pleasing is not about becoming selfish. It is about learning what real love looks like. Catholic teaching reminds us that freedom is not doing whatever we want but choosing what is good and true.
When you set a boundary honestly and charitably, you honour both yourself and the other person. You act from freedom rather than fear. This is how we become who God created us to be: authentic, courageous, and able to give real love.
A Different Ending
If I could revisit that day with my boss, I would probably smile and say, Thanks for the invitation. I am not much of a runner, but I would love to grab coffee instead. He likely would have respected that honesty far more than my silent suffering on the pavement.
Through the integration of faith and IFS, I have learned that I do not have to earn love by saying yes to everything. God’s love does not rise and fall with other people’s approval.
Interestingly, I did eventually become a runner again. Now I run at my own pace and for my own reasons. I run not to impress anyone but to connect with God and my own body. The difference is freedom.
You Do Not Have to Walk Alone
We all need support to change old patterns. If you find yourself constantly saying yes to avoid conflict or to earn approval, you are not alone. These patterns were learned for survival, and they can be unlearned in safety and trust.
At Altum Integrated, I offer psychotherapy, professional supervision, and faith‑integrated accompaniment for those seeking deeper freedom and healing. Whether you work in clinical practice, ministry, or education, this journey begins in relationship.
If something in this reflection resonates with you, consider taking the next small step. Reach out, start a conversation, or explore what it might mean to live and lead from a place of peace rather than pressure.
You are not meant to run on empty. God’s invitation is always toward rest, relationship, and renewal.